Islam 1.0 software issues

Dear Ebaby Users,

I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. In recent weeks, I have been flooded with a load of crappy spam about something called Islam 1.0. There seem to be a lot of people trying to get me to use this software, claiming that it is the ultimate software ("The One True Software" no less!) , but I can't help thinking that these people are being less than truthful.

For one, the users of this software can't seem to agree on the right version. I mean, they all claim to use Islam 1.0 but it is not the same. There's Sunni Islam 1.0 and Shia Islam 1.0. Then there's the radical version called Wahabbist Islam 1.0 which I believe is very popular in Saudi Arabia, though women seem to have problems using the full version for some reason associated with something called Religious Protocol 1.0. How can I convert to Islam 1.0 when even the current users are constantly fighting over which is the best version?

And my gf is against using Wahabbist Islam 1.0 because there are no women drivers, women have to cover themselves alomst completely when using this software, and women are apparently not permitted to be without a chaperone when they use this software. It seems to us that Islam 1.0 and Wahabbist Islam in particular is not user-friendly to women and has discriminatory protocols.

Then there's my second problem. The people trying to sell me this software are really not very nice people. When I say that I am perfectly happy with Atheism 1.0 in conjunction with Evolution 1.0, they start insulting me and telling me that I will never be able to use either Heaven 1.0 or Paradise 1.0 without installing Islam 1.0 as soon as possible.

I mean, many people using Christian 1.0 (particularly Protestant Christian 1.0) have told me that I don't need to worry about Heaven 1.0 and Paradise 1.0 as long as I continuously use Good Person 1.0, but these people pushing Islam 1.0 insist that this is impossible. And, apparently, anyone not using Good Person 1.0 will still have full access to Heaven 1.0 and Paradise 1.0, which I find incredible! I mean, isn't using Good Person 1.0 the whole basis of a well-managed user society?

Anyway, there was an ugly incident a few days ago when a guy selling Shia Islam 1.0 and a guy selling Sunni Islam 1.0 arrived at my office simultaneously and tried to sell me their rival versions. It was crazy! within two minutes, these guys started physically fighting each other and screaming something about Mohammed 1.0 and Jihad 1.0. I later learnt that Jihad 1.0 is a pretty nasty piece of software that has been responsible for several crashes, especially in New York.

The Mohammed 1.0 that they were screaming about is apparently one of the Prophet series of software, along with Moses 1.0, Abraham 1.0 and Jesus 1.0. Personally, I've never been satisfied with the Prophet series. I mean, Moses 1.0 just has ten commands and they're not very detailed. Mohammed 1.0 seems to me like a con. I mean this guy developed the software in the middle of the desert somewhere and then forced it on all the local users.

The guys selling me Islam 1.0 (all versions) claim that Mr God (a.k.a. Mr Allah) wrote the software, but no-one has ever met Mr God, so I doubt his existence. When I tried to visit his head office in Mecca, I was threatened with death if I didn't buy the software before my visit! Incredible!

Besides, there are so many contradictions in his programming that I can't take his software seriously. For example, one of the commands in his Islam 1.0 software tells users to kill the virus programme Infidel 1.0, but another says to have mercy on Infidel 1.0. Which command do I believe?

Another problem is, what happens if I'm not satisfied with Islam 1.0 and try to install another software, such as Atheism 1.0 or Christianity 1.0 instead of it? I read in the newspaper about a user in Afghanistan who tried this and he received death threats from the guys at Islam 1.0. I mean, I don't want ot take the risk of installing dodgy software (which Islam 1.0 appears to be) and then facing death if I'm not satisfied or if Islam 1.0 fails to live up to what those selling it claim.

I'd be grateful for any advice you can offer with regard to this software issue.

You don't mention the Islamists who are calling for jihad against the Jews and Christians. There are imams who idle the bombers who commit suicide

and murders a lot of innocent people. They promise the bombers that Alla will bless them and will supply them 40 virgin woman for enjoyment.

The bombers became holly person and even their mother are satisfied and bless the lost of their children who became Shah-id

I agree, it's quite frightening how dogmatic people are.  I suppose it's too much to hope that people will some day wake up and think.

mpeer28 – Thank you for your response. Yes, the Islam 1.0 salesmen did try to offer me a piece of software called Vestal Virgin 72. The only problem is that I have to blow up my system in order to install it. Sounds kinda weird to me.

Blake – Agreed. You'll see some similar dogmatism in China.

Man I love your writig!   You made me cry!!!!!! 

Do they make a version for Mac?

You know, producers of Atheism 1.0 had a monopoly at our market for some decades. More, the only available operating system (System 1.0) not met requirements for installing or proper use of software alternative to Atheism 1.0. Attempts to do this caused severe problems, from blocking net access to crashes.

I mean, let everyone uses software he\she likes. In fact, they all have bugs and no one is "The One True Software"

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User…..

_____________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 ! manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

quorax – That was the fault of Communism 1.0, which is well known to be a crappy programme. Atheism 1.0 works fine in conjunction with Relative Freedom 1.0 and Basic Democracy 1.0, neither of which has ever been popular in Russia, which is currently using Putin Nepotism 1.0 in conjunction with the already disgraced Nationalism 1.0.

gkisseberth – They do indeed!

philquad – I've heard about these issues. On a related point, you can't use Premarital Sex 1.0 (one of my fave programmes!) in conjunction with Islam 1.0, as I'm sure you're aware.

I suggest you to take Real Life ver.1.0 , after that don't forget to patch with Dreaming Life Patcher ver.1.1.0 and Absurdity of Life ver.1.0.

If you serious enough, you can install this too:

Life is too Short Final Version

I want Life Forever Beta Version

God is dying, isn't It (Trial Version)

And finally, you shouldn't miss this:

I can Happy Forever an Ever ( Final Version )

What do those programmes involve? I never install programmes without knowing what they do.